Toys for couples

A toy between two people succeeds or fails on the conversation, not on the toy. Almost every couple who ends up with a drawer of unused silicone bought the exciting thing before agreeing what it was for. This guide goes the other way round.

Bring it up before you buy

Say what you are curious about, not what you think is missing. There is a large difference between wanting to try something and implying the other person is not enough, and that difference lives entirely in how the sentence starts.

Agree that anything can be stopped without a reason, the first time and every time after. Nobody relaxes into something they cannot get out of.

Buy together if you can, even if only by scrolling the same page. A toy chosen by one person for both is a present with a condition attached.

The easiest first purchase

A vibrating cock ring is the toy most couples get on with immediately. It sits where two bodies already meet, it adds clitoral contact during penetration without either person having to change anything, and it makes an erection firmer along the way.

Buy a stretchy silicone one rather than a rigid ring, take the motor off before it goes in the wash, and set a limit of twenty to thirty minutes at a time.

A small bullet or egg is the other easy start: cheap, obvious, and useful on its own long after the novelty of using it together has settled.

Couples vibrators are the shaped version of the same idea, with one arm inside and one outside, staying in place during penetration. Fit decides everything here, and a flexible model fits far more bodies than a rigid one.

Remote and app control

Handing over the remote changes what a toy is for. It stops being stimulation and becomes attention, which is a different pleasure and often a stronger one.

App and remote controlled toys work across a room or across a country. Check the range honestly before you buy: bluetooth reaches the next room, app control over the internet reaches anywhere but needs both phones online.

Agree the rules before the remote leaves your hand. When it stops, how obvious it may be in company, and what the signal is to end it.

Massage, oils and candles

Sensual massage is the least intimidating thing in this whole department and the one most likely to become a habit. A massage candle burns at a low temperature and becomes warm oil, which does the work of an evening on its own.

Oil is for skin. It is not a lubricant for penetration and it destroys latex condoms, so keep a water-based lubricant next to it for anything else.

Strap-ons and pegging

A harness with a dildo lets either partner penetrate the other, and the practical part is mostly about the harness rather than the toy: a comfortable strap that does not dig in, and a plate that holds the base steady.

Start smaller than you think and read anal play for beginners first if the receiving partner is new to it. A thick anal lubricant, a slow start and a toy with a flared base are the whole of the safety part.

Strap-ons and pegging sets bundle a harness with a compatible toy, which saves working out whether a base fits a plate.

Swings, positions and games

Sex swings and position aids are bought for novelty and kept for comfort. A wedge under the hips changes an angle that no amount of effort will change otherwise, and it is the item couples with a bad back keep using.

A door swing needs a solid frame and a check of the fittings every time. Anything that takes body weight deserves that look.

Adult games are a way of saying out loud what is hard to raise cold, and that is the real function. Cards and dice do the asking for you.

Sets are the cheapest way to find out which of these directions is yours before spending properly on one.

Sharing toys without sharing anything else

Anything shared between two people needs to be non-porous, which means silicone, glass or stainless steel, or it needs a fresh condom for each person. Our guide on body-safe materials explains why porous cannot be sterilised.

A condom on the toy is the simplest answer, and the only sensible one with a TPE or jelly toy.

Never move a toy from anal to vaginal use without a new condom or a full wash. That direction causes infections.

Wash with warm water and mild soap or a toy cleaner after every session, and keep condoms in the bedside drawer rather than in a wallet, where heat and friction ruin them.

When it does not work the first time

Most first attempts are awkward, and awkward is not failure. A toy changes the choreography of something you both already know, and that takes a couple of tries.

Talk afterwards, briefly and kindly. What you would keep, what you would drop. That conversation is worth more than the next purchase.

Frequently asked questions