How to bring a sex toy into your relationship (without making it awkward)

A toy adds something, it does not replace anyone

The worry many partners carry, often without saying it, is that a toy means they are not enough. It helps to say the opposite out loud. A vibrator does one thing very well: steady, precise vibration that hands and bodies cannot produce. It does not kiss, laugh, hold or know you.

Plenty of people need direct clitoral stimulation to climax, and penetration alone rarely gives that. A toy simply fills that gap, which means more pleasure for both of you, not a judgement on anyone's skills.

A toy in bed is an extra pair of hands, not a replacement for the person you are with.

Raise the subject outside the bedroom

Pick a calm moment when neither of you is tired or in the middle of sex: a walk, a lazy breakfast, a glass of wine on the sofa. Talking in bed, right before or after sex, can feel like criticism even when it is not meant that way.

Some openings that tend to work:

• Share something you are curious about: "I keep thinking it could be fun to try a vibrator together."
• Make it about the two of you: "What would you like us to try that we have never done?"
• Use something you saw or read as a starting point, then ask what your partner thinks.
• If you already use a toy alone, mention it calmly and offer to show it.

Then listen. If your partner hesitates, ask what the hesitation is about. Often it is a concrete worry, such as noise, a fear of looking silly or not knowing what to do with it, and concrete worries have concrete answers.

Tip: Never bring a toy out mid sex as a surprise. Agree first, so you both know what will happen and either of you can say no.

Choose the first toy together

Browsing together turns a strange idea into a shared project, and it is often where the fun starts. Look through the toys for couples together and let each of you point out what looks appealing and what does not. Our guide to toys for couples explains the main types if you want to read up first.

Start small: a bullet or a remote toy

A first toy does not need to be big or complicated. A small bullet such as the Satisfyer Ultra Power Bullet 8 fits between two bodies, has 12 programmes and a whisper function, and can be held by either of you. Its silicone is soft and it is waterproof, so it can join you in the shower too.

Remote toys add a playful element without much pressure. The LateToBed Plitz Panty Stimulator is shaped to stay in place in underwear, with 10 settings on a remote that your partner holds. The Satisfyer Little Secret has a built-in magnet to keep it in position and works with a remote, the Satisfyer Connect app or a button on the toy itself. Handing over the controls is an easy way to make your partner part of it from the first minute.

Giving your partner the remote turns a solo toy into a game for two.

Toys designed for two

Once the idea feels normal, a toy built for sex together makes sense. A couples vibrator is worn by her during penetration: one part sits inside, the other rests against the clitoris, and both of you feel the vibration. The Lelo TIANI 3 has a remote with SenseMotion, so tilting it changes the vibration, and 8 patterns. The Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples adds air pulse waves on the clitoris to 12 levels of vibration in the insertable part. For a flexible option, the IntoYou Lovit bends into different positions and can also be used as a penis ring. Our comparison of the best couples vibrators goes deeper into fit and remotes.

If your partner is a man who feels unsure, a vibrating ring can be the best start, because it is something for him as much as for you. The Satisfyer Duelist is adjustable, so it fits rather than pinches, textured on the outside and has 12 settings. See all vibrating cock rings for other shapes.

Take the pressure off with massage and lube

For partners who feel shy, a slow massage is the gentlest bridge. A massage candle such as the Shunga Massage Candle Island Blossoms melts into warm oil at a much lower temperature than an ordinary candle. Pour a little into your own palm first to check the heat. More ideas are in sensual massage.

Lube belongs in the same drawer. It makes every toy feel smoother and more comfortable, and a water-based one such as Pjur Aqua 100 ml is safe with condoms and every toy material. Our lubricant guide explains when to choose silicone or water-based.

Tip: Charge the toy and read the buttons before the evening. Fumbling with a flat battery is the fastest way to lose the mood.

The first evening: keep it light

Start the way you normally would, with kissing and touch, and only bring the toy in once you are both relaxed. Begin on the lowest setting and let the person receiving guide where it goes and how firmly. Laugh if something buzzes at the wrong moment; that is part of it.

Check in during and afterwards. Ask what felt good, what you would change and whether you want to try it again. If one of you did not enjoy it, that is useful information, not a failure. Either of you can stop at any moment, and agreeing to try something once never means agreeing to it forever.

The best first time with a toy is the one you can both laugh about afterwards.